Absolutly Nothing Next 22 Miles
by Kimmia
Summary: FINALLY Posted... Re-Write of Destroying the lives of Middle Earth Elves...


Diablo: Howdy strangers! Well, me an' Demonic're back again with the rewrite of Destroying The Lives Of Middle Earth Elves, so it should be a heck of a lot better this time around…well…hopefully… Anyway, it was our first fic and a joint as well, but now we've matured a bit more in age and in our writing, the old version was_ cringeworthy_, I mean really, it was hideous…so we re-wrote it, believe you me, it **seriously** needed it… However, some things haven't changed, namely flamers BE WARNED, you WILL be laughed at, constructive criticism is welcome…

Demonic: Ok... There's a note from our wonderfuly talented Lobo Diablo Lone Wolf and this chapter is written by her but unfortunatly only I'll be carrying on with this story as Diablo 'ere is busy doing other things... maybe I'll get her to write the odd chapter once in a while so yeah... Fenume is _meant_ to be mary-sueish so don't point it out... it's on purpose. I own Kat/Fenume and Lobo owns Tam/Raaka.

Well... I hope you enjoy and please review... or something... if you can be bothered...

Definitely Not Good

The screams of a hundred people filled her ears…screams of panic and terror, and shouts for loved ones, mixed with a deafening noise of warning alarms wailing and grinding and groaning of metal on metal, engines struggling, and everything shaking erratically, it condensed into just one boom of incoherent noise…

She couldn't hear, and she couldn't see, it was dark with the occasional, dizzyingly bright flash of light, like a flare that seared into her eyes. And the noise…the noise was unbearable…

The sound and sporadic light was disorientating and she couldn't think. She just gripped the hand that held hers and waited for the end… The vague thought of whether it would hurt or not flittered through her mind, too fast to be really considered… There was just light and noise and movement…

And then the impact.

Everything jolted violently, she felt herself lose the grip on her friend's hand as she was thrown to one side. Then, for a second, though it seemed like an eternity, nothing happened…until there was a tortured groan and the world tipped crazily. There was another impact; it felt like being slapped by a brick wall, it knocked all thought and air from her.

It went dark, all she felt, was cold…there was nothing to breathe, no air, no oxygen and though her lungs burned, she still felt cold…

All other perceptions faded away so the whole world was just cold, airless, and cold…

And then it went dark…

-/\-/\-/\-

Tammy groaned. Everything hurt. She was lying on her back on something soft that seemed to move like puffs of dust, it settled on Tammy and tickled her nose. For a moment she lay there, trying to work out what had happened, but her mind seemed blank, her memory murky. She remembered cold, but it wasn't cold now…in fact it was suffocatingly hot…

Finally after what seemed like an eternity Tammy opened her eyes. For all the difference it made she might as well have not bothered. She pushed herself up to a sitting position and rubbed her eyes to free them of the dark, feathery stuff coating her lashes, it didn't help. The stuff she was lying on was caking her mouth and throat and made her cough a few times. She looked around and saw absolutely nothing.

"Okay…and where am I?" she asked aloud, "Who turned out the lights?"

"Tam? Tam is that you?" Tammy looked around,

"Kit-Kat? Where're you? I can't see anythin'!"

"I think you better get over here, fast." Came Kat's voice,

"Er, just keep talkin', I'll find you." Tammy stood up and began walking through the darkness, following her best friend's voice. After a few minutes Tammy bumped into something that went 'umph!' and hit her shoulder,

"Hey, watch where you're going!" Kat snapped,

"It's kinda dark if you ain't noticed…" replied Tammy, "I can't see too well."

"Yeah, yeah, c'mon."

"I'm comin', I'm comin', it's not like I gotta choice with you yankin' on me sleev-" before she could finish Kat spun her around for her to look into the distance; "…Oh…" there in front of the duo was a huge, dark mountain spewing red flame and lava. She turned to Kat, "HOW D'YOU EXPLAIN THIS!?"

"Er, it's what you think it is?"

"Oh_really_?"

"Uh huh."

"You mean…Middle Earth?" Tammy asked, suggesting hesitantly, she blinked as it sank in, then she stared, she and Kat looked at each other, "Holy flurckin' shnit, we're gonna die…" Tammy muttered as she sank to the floor, her legs folding up so she just sat on the ash-covered plain, of Mount Doom, in Mordor. She groaned and dropped her head into her hands, shaking it and muttering; "You gotta be kiddin' me, this is so _not_ happenin' to us!" Kat watched her moaning to herself for a moment, before sighing and sitting down next to her.

"Ah, it's not all _that_ bad." She said bracingly, Tammy picked up an ash smudged face and looked at her with an 'are you completely blind or stupid' look. Kat rolled her eyes, Tamsien Rivers was the most negative person she'd probably _ever_ met…she always saw the worse in any person and situation…

Eventually, when their eyes had accustomed themselves to the all pervading dark, both of them wished they had not woken up that morning, not for the last time.

"This ain't happenin' to us…" Tammy muttered again, "Hell no are we that scuppered… Urg, we are so royally screwed… That's it!" she threw her hands in the air, "That's it, I hate my life!"

"How the heck did we get here?" Kat asked no one in particularly, ignoring Tammy's rant.

"Scrap that, how are we gonna get back!?" Tammy was almost hysterical,

"C'mon Tam, deep breath, think, don't panic." Kat said calmly. Tammy obeyed her friend, took a deep breath and let it out slowly.

"Ok ok, I'm calm, I'm cool, I'm okay…for the moment…" she added in a whimper, she turned to Kat, "I realise this is a once in a hundred lifetimes opportunity but," her voice when slightly whining and panicky, "I don't wanna be stuck in Middle Earth, least of all Mordor! Talk about a cruel joke!" she swallowed and then as she did frequently, suddenly became calm and rational, it was the part of her psyche that made her ever-so-slightly off the wall and such violent changes in mood were only the beginning. "Where are the Orcs? An' I don't see no big tower with a flamin' eyeball stuck on the top."

"Well, if you remember that and take into account that Mount Doom is coughing up a load of magma, I'd guess that we've missed the War of the Ring."

"That's a good thing right?" Kat didn't have time to answer before Tammy followed her own train of thought out loud, "Actually it would be a good thing because Tolkien only wrote a bit of material after the War and then it more or less does a jump to three years later or so to where Frodo and co. sail West with the Elves, which means that us bein' here after that can't screw anythin' up."

"Because we don't have any idea what should be happening." Finished Kat,

"Exactly, so I guess it could be worse…I'm not sure how, but it could… And even if we did hit rock bottom, we've still got a few more floors, knowin' our luck…" Kat rolled her eyes, there Tammy went again with the negativity…although, she had to admit, from their experiences, it was a pretty logical statement… She nodded,

"Okay, so, what do we do now?" she asked,

"Well, I'd say gettin' outta here would be our first priority and then, probably findin' someone who can send us home." Tammy said after a moment's thought.

"I'd put my money on Gandalf personally." Kat said,

"I was actually thinking of Galadriel but yeah, I see what you're gettin' at."

"Do you really think Galadriel could help?"

"Yeah, why d'you ask?"

"Well, it's just that Gandalf's a Maia and they're higher then even Galadriel…although, she could help us I s'pose." Kat shrugged. "Alright, I'll do you a deal, if we can't get hold of Gandalf then we'll go to Galadriel yes?" Tammy nodded,

"Fair nuff…but what if they've gone West already?" Kat's face fell,

"Er, well, I dunno...Elrond would've been my next choice, but he leaves too."

"What about Aragorn and Arwen, and Elladan and Elrohir? They don't leave." Tammy suggested.

"I dunno if Elladan and Elrohir leave, it's an option anyway."

"And if worse comes to worse, we can go to Arwen right?"

"Right," Kat agreed, "But we need to get outta here before we can do anything else…"

"And how do you propose we do that? The only way out is through…" Tammy faded off.

"Yeah, that's exactly what I was thinking."

"Would now be a good time to mention I never did like spiders, especially big ones…" Tammy said in a would-be calm voice,

"I doubt anyone would like a spider that big, but it's all we got." Tammy sighed and sagged, "Besides," Kat continued, "It's not like it could get much worse…well it could but optimisms always good right?"

"That remains to be seen…" Tammy said, scowling slightly,

"Yeah. Thanks fer that…" muttered Kat sarcastically. Tammy grinned with a mock angelic expression, then she took a deep breath and blew out of her cheeks. "Alright," Kat carried on, "If we want to get out of here any time soon, then we should get going."

"Right you are!" Tammy exclaimed cheerfully, she clapped her hands together, "So genius, which way?" Kat's face fell,

"How should I know?! You're the history and geography maniac."

"Um, true. Well one of us has to be, with you bein' the lingo nut. But enough gabbin', we gotta go…" Tammy narrowed her eyes in concentration, then her eyes cleared and she gestured confidently to the right, "That way."

"You sure?" Kat asked sceptically. Tammy nodded. "Care to explain?"

"Nope, I just wanna leave, so you're gonna havta trust me on this one…sorry." Kat didn't push it.

With Tammy leading the way the two teenagers began a long, hard slog to the right of Mount Doom. It should have been easier but since Mount Doom had been spouting noxious fumes, lava and piles of ash for who knows how long, the plains had developed several hundred inches of black, dusty stuff that yielded practically up to the knees. It was like half wading in black, powdery, dusty snow that was dry and easier to inhale. Which caused rather hideous problems. One of which was a choking, hacking cough. The ash seemed to cake the mouth, throat and nose, and settle on the lungs. Soon they were panting with the energy drain from continually coughing.

"How…long…will…this…go on?" Kat asked, gasping between every word. Tammy didn't even have the energy to answer, she just shrugged. Eventually the pair reached the bottom of the cliff walls and looked up at them in horror, they hardly had the energy to walk another step, let alone climb _those_ things…

Whimpering, Kat sat on the floor. Dumbfounded Tammy plopped down too, she stared straight ahead,

"It's not fair, it's just not fair…" she muttered. They stayed there for a while before Kat rose,

"C'mon." Tammy just had her sooty face in her hands again.

"What's the point?" She muttered mutinously, "We're just gonna die anyway…" Kat glared and slapped the back of Tammy's head, Tammy yelped and then snarled; "What the hell was that for!?" she snapped. Kat pointed a finger at her friend,

"You ain't givin' up so easily!" barked Kat, "You remember when we went on that orienteering survival trek at the Roaches, that your dad set us, and we got lost?" Tammy just glared insubordinately at Kat, not answering, "And we walked half the night in the forest, I was all ready to give up, but you just kept pushing, you wouldn't let me quit, 'only the weak surrender, we are strong', you said that to me, remember, well now I'm saying it to you. Now, get up!" Kat hauled her friend up. "C'mon, we're in Middle Earth! This is a chance of a hundred lifetimes."

"Hurumph," Tammy grunted as they began to climb, "That's what worries me… chance of a hundred lifetimes…and whadda we do? Walk right into the lair of the web weaver…"

"Very poetic, Wolf!" Kat grinned, trying to lighten the mood,

"Yer know, in one age, dyin' in battle was considered poetic as well…"

-/\-/\-/\-

"Oo oo! And poetic justice!"

"Shut up alright! Just shut up…"

"Pfft, charmin…" Tammy muttered, Kat rolled her eyes again,

"Oh, so _now_ you decide to be cheerful…" when Tammy didn't come out with her customary smart answer, Kat glanced at her, Tammy had stopped beside her and was gazing into the dark path ahead of them…

"'Come into my parlour.' Said the spider to the fly." she muttered. They stood before the passage that led to the place where Frodo had been stung by Shelob. In the distance behind them, they could see the rickety tower of Kirith Ungol but neither of the pair wanted to go anyway near that place. "After you maestro." Tammy bowed, Kat rolled her young eyes and led the way down the stairs and along the passage.

After about an hour, they reached the place; the small, arena-like clearing, walled by sharp, jagged black rock, where Frodo had been stung by Shelob and Sam had fought the giant arachnid.

"Keep your eyes open." Muttered Tammy, "You don't know where the demon might be lurkin'." Kat nodded and automatically looked up. Tammy couldn't help but snicker, but it had a grim, dark edge to it. Kat let her eyes do a quick double take of the small, clearing and saw something that made her frown in consternation, she walked to one side on the arena with Tammy following her. "Whadda are you doin'?"

"Jus' a sec…" Kat murmured, she picked up the object that had caught her attention. She smiled to herself, "May it be a light to you in dark places." She muttered,

"'Ey?"

"Look, it's Galadriel's gift to Frodo. The light of Eärendil." Tammy peered at it and nodded,

"Keep it close then, it might come in use." She said, Kat nodded and secreted the phial in her jacket pocket.

Together, the two teenagers, as quietly as they could, walked across the gap and squeezed into the crack of a passageway on the other side. They trotted at a steady pace through the channel course. They followed pretty much the same route as Frodo and Sam had, who knew how long ago. They passed the place where Galadriel had come to Frodo and kept him going and then where Frodo and Gollum had first fought and then Tammy stopped.

"What's up?" Kat whispered,

"This is it, we go through here." Tammy muttered, she took a deep breath and as if she wanted to do or die before she lost her nerve the teenager scrambled up into the hole Frodo had come out through to escape a certain giant arachnid. Kat followed.

Inside it was dark and musky. Two pairs of eyes strained to pierce the gloom but to no avail. They staggered about blindly for a few moments until their eyes had adjusted to the murk, not before Tammy had smacked her head on a protruding rock. What they saw, made them wish yet again they had not bothered to get out of bed that morning, and not for the last time.

Web strands were everywhere. Bits of Shelob's uneaten meals dangled by the sticky fibres and woven nets of semi transparent filament stretching over them.

"That's so ew." Kat muttered,

"I'm sorry, but 'that's so ew' doesn't do what this is justice, this is beyond 'that's so ew'…beyond gross, beyond words…we haven't the vocabulary to describe this." Tammy muttered.

"Ever the pessimist."

"As always." Their bantering faded and they faced reality once more. "If I die, a few sharp, strong words will be said to Professor Tolkien." Tammy added and Kat sniggered. "I have the ultimate respect for the guy, but I'm never gonna forgive him for creating the monstrosity that is prolly gonna get us very soon."

"Keep that sort of crap to yerself." Cut in Kat. Tammy fell silent. "Which way now?" Tammy glanced around,

"This way." She pointed down another dark, claustrophobic tunnel and began to lead the way with only instincts and memories of illustrated maps she'd seen, to guide her.

They had only been walking half an hour when they first heard the shuffling and scuttling of…something… The two girls froze in their tracks.

"Uh oh…" muttered Tammy, Kat grabbed her wrist and shook it,

"What?!" she whispered furiously, "What is it?!"

"Her…" came the quiet reply.

"Eep."

"C'mon," Tammy muttered vaguely with her attention focused on the shadows surrounding them, "Keep moving…" and she set off at a cautious pace. After a while they pushed through a curtain of fine cobwebs that clung to their faces and as Tammy stepped blindly forward she stood on something that crunched horribly. Tammy and Kat both flinched. "Oh no," muttered Tammy in a voice that was reserved for when one is about to throw up. She looked down and shuddered, the shards of a splintered human skull grinned up at her. Kat looked over her friend's shoulder then promptly turned and brought up her last meal. She looked up shakily, leaning on the tunnel wall to steady her trembling legs, to see Tammy wading through the remains that cluttered the entire chamber they had stumbled upon, a determined look on her face, Kat wiped her mouth on her sleeve and pushed herself to her feet,

"Tammy!?" she hissed, "What are you doin'!?"

"If we wanna get out, we have to cross this." Came the reply, then, a short pause later, "And we need some sort of weaponry, or we're not gonna last long." Another pause, "Aha, Kat c'mere." Cringing Kat went over to her friend, wincing every time she set her foot down.

"What?" she said in a voice bordering on whimper,

"Take this." Tammy handed Kat a sword in a scabbard with a belt, then belted another one onto herself so it hung on her back, the blade was too big for her to put it at her hip. Kat's was shorter so she tied hers so it hung at her waist, then took the sword from the sheath and smiled grimly,

"Hm, look, it's like a bigger version of Sting…except it's a bit rustier…"

"Let's hope it's as affective." Came Tammy's response. The pair pushed their way though the macabre chamber and came out the other side a lot filthier then when they had gone in.

"We look like the living dead." Kat muttered, brushing at herself in disgust, trying to touch the decaying filth as little as possible.

"Yeah," Tammy grinned and put her arms up in front of her, letting her hands dangle at the wrists, "I vant to eat your bvain." Kat sniggered, and it was then that the shadow fell upon them. The hair of the back of the girls' necks bristled and they both looked to the entrance of the chamber they had just come from… Shelob, was looking out at them, clicking her pincers. Kat almost turned and bolted when Tammy gripped her arm, "Don't run." She said in a low voice, "Don't turn your back on her. Walk backwards, very slowly…" then she raised her voice to the spider, "Look, we're leaving, there's no need to hinder us," she drew her sword and let the spider see the blade, "But if you try, we will hurt you, maybe even kill you before you eat us."

The plan might have worked, Shelob didn't move as the two teenagers went slowly backwards, but then Kat slipped and fell. Shelob made a triumphant shriek and darted at them. Tammy raised her sword, not having any idea what to do. She hauled Kat up with one hand.

"RUN!" the two teenagers turned and ran, Shelob scuddling after them. As they fled Kat fumbled with something in her pocket, drawing out the vial after a moment. She skidded to a halt and turned, Tammy doing the same a little further down the tunnel, spinning around to see what in hells Kat was thinking, "WHADDA YOU DOIN'!?" she roared. Kat ignored her, she was silent for half a moment then called out something in Elvish and holding the phial by the neck, she thrust it in the spider's face as the white light flared. Shelob squealed and backed up, covering her eyes with two forelegs.

Behind Kat, Tammy grinned in relief, then her face fell as the spider, roaring, reared up, legs stiff and menacing and struck. It came down heavily on Kat, knocking the vial of light from her hand, the bottle skittering away as the arachnid pinned her to the filthy floor of the tunnel. Tammy yelled and broke into a run, back into the tunnel, as Kat screamed and squirmed as she saw the huge, glistening fangs of the spider coming down upon her.

Just as she thought she was going to die in this dark, stinking place, a bright blade was plunged right into the spider's mouth, between its fangs. The spider squealed and scurried backward. Kat heard a sound of disgust and scrambled to her feet, behind her, Tammy was looking at the sword blade, it was covered up to the hilt in black slimy sludge. Tammy pulled a face, then looked up.

"C'mon, let's get outta here…" she muttered, Kat nodded, wanting nothing else and the two friends hastily went up the tunnel, retrieving the little phial, leaving the lair of the web weaver and the nightmares that went with, far behind them…

They got to the end of the tunnel and came out at the head of the winding stair. Here they paused and Tammy glanced down for recoiling.

"Urg…" she mumbled, "**Not** what I need right now…" Kat looked over the edge as well, then, with a sigh, she turned around and not looking down she began clambering down the precarious stairway. Testing each hold before trusting her weight on it. In this way she climbed, her body protested, aches and bruises beginning to make themselves known, but her mind ignored the feeble cries.

Tammy watched her for a moment, then rolled her eyes and followed suit, careful to keep up with Kat's pace, she didn't want to accidentally tread on her friend's fingers… She felt the sword on her back and the phial in her pocket and she glanced up as a cold shiver slid down her spine at the thought that the spider would come to get them, and kept going.

As she thought of the monstrosity that was Shelob, she steadily became more and more unnerved, starting climbing more recklessly. It was only when her foot slipped and she nearly fell, only saving herself by clinging to the rock with her fingers, did she calm herself and resume the more careful decent. Answering that she was fine when Kat called up to her.

It took a long time, but without resting for more the half and hour altogether, the two girls eventually clambered to the foot of the winding stair. Kat, reaching it first, crouched behind a huge black outcrop of rock to get her breath back. She through an uneasy glance at Minas Morgul, and paused, something was wrong…

"Tam…" she said uncertainly, Tammy looked up from brushing dust from her shirt,

"Aye?"

"Isn't Minas Morgul supposed to be uninhabited now?" Tammy came and peeped out from behind the rock which Kat was resting behind. She eyed the sickly green light that illuminated Minas Morgul.

"Yeah…" she muttered after a moment, "It should…" she stood up a little, "I wonder what-" but before she could get a closer look, Kat yanked at the back of her shirt, pulling her back,

"Are you crazy!?" she hissed in a furious whisper, "You don't just walk into a place like _that_!" Tammy chewed the inside of her cheek, glancing at the sinister structure, then looked back at Kat.

"Yeah…yeah you're right…sorry…just…wasn't thinkin' then…" Kat watched her friend's eyes for a moment, then nodded.

They by-passed Minas Morgul and followed the road away from it. Out of Mordor.


End file.
